text messages

i deleted all of your text messages

a month ago

or maybe longer

i'm not really sure

i'm trying to remember them

but i can't remember which are ones you sent me

and which are ones i'm making up in my head right now

and which are ones i made up in my head a long time ago

and am mistaking them for the former

or maybe the latter

or maybe even both

i feel like i've lost something important and

i think

"if they were handwritten letters i would have kept them all

in a special box

in the top drawer of my dresser

and i would pull them out right now

because i miss you

and you are not here"

i know this is impossible

i know that if your text messages were handwritten letters

you never would have sent them

you would never have even written them

who writes "comeover"

or "i miss u"

on a pice of paper

folds it up

places it in an envelope

seals it

writes two addresses

places a stamp

walks to the mailbox

puts it inside

and lifts the flag

all i can think is

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

over and over

in my head

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

and so i write it down

on a piece of paper

i write

"i miss u" and

i write "comeover" and

i write two names

one yours and one mine and then

i fold it up and

i want to place it in a special box i keep

in the top drawer of my dresser

only i don't have a 'special box'

so i just push it to the back of the dresser

where it is completely buried

under socks and underwear and

a package of condoms and

a tube of personal lubricant

i am embarrassed by this

i am embarrassed by everything i have thought and done today

tomorrow i will find this piece of paper

while getting dressed

early in the morning

and i will place it in the garbage bin