If I had to look at everything I've ever looked at or thought about while masturbating
I would kill myself
If I had to have dinner with everyone I've ever fucked or "slept with"
I would be fucked
I would not show up for that dinner
I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup
I mean I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup
with the hollow green peas and the impossibly orange cubes of carrot for the rest of my life
I would rather do that than have dinner with just me and everyone I've ever fucked


charlie brown

you said you love Charlie Brown. I am Charlie Brown. love me.


text messages

i deleted all of your text messages
a month ago
or maybe longer
i'm not really sure
i'm trying to remember them
but i can't remember which are ones you sent me
and which are ones i'm making up in my head right now
and which are ones i made up in my head a long time ago
and am mistaking them for the former
or maybe the latter
or maybe even both

i feel like i've lost something important and
i think
"if they were handwritten letters i would have kept them all
in a special box
in the top drawer of my dresser
and i would pull them out right now
because i miss you
and you are not here"

i know this is impossible

i know that if your text messages were handwritten letters
you never would have sent them
you would never have even written them

who writes "comeover"
or "i miss u"
on a pice of paper
folds it up
places it in an envelope
seals it
writes two addresses
places a stamp
walks to the mailbox
puts it inside
and lifts the flag

all i can think is
"i miss u" and

over and over
in my head
"i miss u" and

and so i write it down
on a piece of paper
i write
"i miss u" and
i write "comeover" and
i write two names
one yours and one mine and then
i fold it up and
i want to place it in a special box i keep
in the top drawer of my dresser
only i don't have a 'special box'
so i just push it to the back of the dresser
where it is completely buried
under socks and underwear and
a package of condoms and
a tube of personal lubricant

i am embarrassed by this
i am embarrassed by everything i have thought and done today

tomorrow i will find this piece of paper
while getting dressed
early in the morning
and i will place it in the garbage bin



a very depressed and alone
sarah michelle gellar
taking xanax and drinking wine
makes low resolution cell phone videos
of herself talking 'mad shit'
about twilight and true blood
immediately feels incredibly stupid
after posting them to youtube
under an anonymous account
for which she has already forgotten the password
begins to cry uncontrollably
for a long period of time
takes another xanax
and hopes she never remembers anything
ever again
feels stupid about how depressed she feels
drinks another glass of wine
and falls asleep


chris jordan

I will photoshop tiny pictures of chuck close's face
the same picture of chuck close's face

I will photoshop the picture so that it looks like he has painted his face
with corporate logos

same face, different logo

coke, coca cola, mountain dew, pepsi, brillo pads, campbell's soup
sport's fan style face paint

I will arrange the photos into a large mosaic

coke face chuck close for red
campbell's soup can chuck close face for less red
pepsi for blue
chuck close face mountain dew green
et cetera

the overall image will be of andy warhol
painting andy warhol
from an image of andy warhol
in a mirror

I will do this on a laptop
I will use photoshop
I will print off the the tiny photoshopped
sports fan style painted chuck close faces

I will go to kinko's
I will use an inkjet printer
I will print off the tiny photoshopped
coca cola mountain dew pepsi chuck close corporate logo faces
all of the campbel's soup brillo pad coca cola faces

I will arrange them on a wall

the larger image of andy warhol
painting andy warhol
from a polaroid of andy warhol
dressed as a can of campbell's soup
painted to look like a can of coca cola
sitting in a room of mirrors
made of tiny photoshopped pictures of fuck face chuck close
spiraling out into infinity
forming a fractal of the word 'fractal'

I will title the piece 'Chris Jordan'
I will sell 'Chris Jordan' on ebay
I will sell everything on ebay
I will sell the inkjet printer from kinko's on ebay
I will sell my ebay account on ebay

I will buy a plane ticket
I will hire a private investigator
the private investigator will use google

I will use google
I will find chuck close
I will fly there
I will punch chuck close in the face

I will photograph chuck close's punched face
I will use photoshop
I will use an inkjet printer at kinko's
I will print a new version of "Chris Jordan"
I will create a new ebay account
I will sell 'Chris Jordan' version 2.0 on ebay

I will do this as many times as necessary
I will do this until chuck close takes out a restraining order
I will do this until I kill chuck close and he has me arrested
I will do this until a team of highly trained bodyguards corner me
punch me in the face and kill me repeatedly
I will do this until I am cornered by the police
repeatedly punched in the face and killed
I will do this until I am sent to prison
cornered by a gang of prisoners
punched in the face repeatedly
and killed

I will continue to sell ever newer versions of 'Chris Jordan' on ebay
made of ever newer versions of punched in the face chuck close

I will kill chuck close
go to prison
be punched in the face
and killed

I will do this as many times as necessary
then I will stop.


(Inspired by Chris Jordan's current exhibition, 'Running the Numbers,' now on display at the Austin Museum of Modern Art)


'gulf oil spill'

everyone is falling all over themselves to pretend they care
about some oil spill in the gulf right now...

i give it one more week
i give the 'gulf oil spill' one more week
and then the 'gulf oil spill' goes the way of 'darfur'
and no one knows what you're talking about
when you say the words 'gulf oil spill'

or maybe
everyone gets nostalgic about
how they remember the 'gulf oil spill'

or maybe
how they used to be all about it
but now everyone is all about it all the time

someone said it is 2010 and i'm having a flashback
the 'gulf oil spill' is just like having a flashback
to 'that exxon-valdez thing'
someone actually said this out loud
and in public and to people who heard it

all i want to talk about right now
is 'things covered in oil'
i'm all about 'things covered in oil'

if you would like to talk to me about anything else
anything else like 'kids in darfur'
before i could even think the words 'kids in darfur'
they would need to be covered in oil