ramen

If I had to look at everything I've ever looked at or thought about while masturbating

I would kill myself

If I had to have dinner with everyone I've ever fucked or "slept with"

I would be fucked

I would not show up for that dinner

I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup

I mean I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup

with the hollow green peas and the impossibly orange cubes of carrot for the rest of my life

I would rather do that than have dinner with just me and everyone I've ever fucked

charlie brown

you said you love Charlie Brown. I am Charlie Brown. love me.

text messages

i deleted all of your text messages

a month ago

or maybe longer

i'm not really sure

i'm trying to remember them

but i can't remember which are ones you sent me

and which are ones i'm making up in my head right now

and which are ones i made up in my head a long time ago

and am mistaking them for the former

or maybe the latter

or maybe even both

i feel like i've lost something important and

i think

"if they were handwritten letters i would have kept them all

in a special box

in the top drawer of my dresser

and i would pull them out right now

because i miss you

and you are not here"

i know this is impossible

i know that if your text messages were handwritten letters

you never would have sent them

you would never have even written them

who writes "comeover"

or "i miss u"

on a pice of paper

folds it up

places it in an envelope

seals it

writes two addresses

places a stamp

walks to the mailbox

puts it inside

and lifts the flag

all i can think is

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

over and over

in my head

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

and so i write it down

on a piece of paper

i write

"i miss u" and

i write "comeover" and

i write two names

one yours and one mine and then

i fold it up and

i want to place it in a special box i keep

in the top drawer of my dresser

only i don't have a 'special box'

so i just push it to the back of the dresser

where it is completely buried

under socks and underwear and

a package of condoms and

a tube of personal lubricant

i am embarrassed by this

i am embarrassed by everything i have thought and done today

tomorrow i will find this piece of paper

while getting dressed

early in the morning

and i will place it in the garbage bin

buffy

a very depressed and alone

sarah michelle gellar

taking xanax and drinking wine

makes low resolution cell phone videos

of herself talking 'mad shit'

about twilight and true blood

immediately feels incredibly stupid

after posting them to youtube

under an anonymous account

for which she has already forgotten the password

begins to cry uncontrollably

for a long period of time

takes another xanax

and hopes she never remembers anything

ever again

feels stupid about how depressed she feels

drinks another glass of wine

and falls asleep

chris jordan

I will photoshop tiny pictures of chuck close's face

the same picture of chuck close's face

I will photoshop the picture so that it looks like he has painted his face

with corporate logos

same face, different logo

coke, coca cola, mountain dew, pepsi, brillo pads, campbell's soup

sport's fan style face paint

I will arrange the photos into a large mosaic

coke face chuck close for red

campbell's soup can chuck close face for less red

pepsi for blue

chuck close face mountain dew green

et cetera

the overall image will be of andy warhol

painting andy warhol

from an image of andy warhol

in a mirror

I will do this on a laptop

I will use photoshop

I will print off the the tiny photoshopped

sports fan style painted chuck close faces

I will go to kinko's

I will use an inkjet printer

I will print off the tiny photoshopped

coca cola mountain dew pepsi chuck close corporate logo faces

all of the campbel's soup brillo pad coca cola faces

I will arrange them on a wall

the larger image of andy warhol

painting andy warhol

from a polaroid of andy warhol

dressed as a can of campbell's soup

painted to look like a can of coca cola

sitting in a room of mirrors

made of tiny photoshopped pictures of fuck face chuck close

spiraling out into infinity

forming a fractal of the word 'fractal'

I will title the piece 'Chris Jordan'

I will sell 'Chris Jordan' on ebay

I will sell everything on ebay

I will sell the inkjet printer from kinko's on ebay

I will sell my ebay account on ebay

I will buy a plane ticket

I will hire a private investigator

the private investigator will use google

I will use google

I will find chuck close

I will fly there

I will punch chuck close in the face

I will photograph chuck close's punched face

I will use photoshop

I will use an inkjet printer at kinko's

I will print a new version of "Chris Jordan"

I will create a new ebay account

I will sell 'Chris Jordan' version 2.0 on ebay

I will do this as many times as necessary

I will do this until chuck close takes out a restraining order

I will do this until I kill chuck close and he has me arrested

I will do this until a team of highly trained bodyguards corner me

punch me in the face and kill me repeatedly

I will do this until I am cornered by the police

repeatedly punched in the face and killed

I will do this until I am sent to prison

cornered by a gang of prisoners

punched in the face repeatedly

and killed

I will continue to sell ever newer versions of 'Chris Jordan' on ebay

made of ever newer versions of punched in the face chuck close

I will kill chuck close

go to prison

be punched in the face

and killed

repeatedly

I will do this as many times as necessary

then I will stop.

*****

(Inspired by Chris Jordan's current exhibition, 'Running the Numbers,' now on display at the Austin Museum of Modern Art)

'gulf oil spill'

everyone is falling all over themselves to pretend they care

about some oil spill in the gulf right now...

i give it one more week

i give the 'gulf oil spill' one more week

and then the 'gulf oil spill' goes the way of 'darfur'

and no one knows what you're talking about

when you say the words 'gulf oil spill'

or maybe

everyone gets nostalgic about

how they remember the 'gulf oil spill'

or maybe

how they used to be all about it

but now everyone is all about it all the time

someone said it is 2010 and i'm having a flashback

the 'gulf oil spill' is just like having a flashback

to 'that exxon-valdez thing'

someone actually said this out loud

and in public and to people who heard it

all i want to talk about right now

is 'things covered in oil'

i'm all about 'things covered in oil'

if you would like to talk to me about anything else

anything else like 'kids in darfur'

before i could even think the words 'kids in darfur'

they would need to be covered in oil