text messages

i deleted all of your text messages
a month ago
or maybe longer
i'm not really sure
i'm trying to remember them
but i can't remember which are ones you sent me
and which are ones i'm making up in my head right now
and which are ones i made up in my head a long time ago
and am mistaking them for the former
or maybe the latter
or maybe even both

i feel like i've lost something important and
i think
"if they were handwritten letters i would have kept them all
in a special box
in the top drawer of my dresser
and i would pull them out right now
because i miss you
and you are not here"

i know this is impossible

i know that if your text messages were handwritten letters
you never would have sent them
you would never have even written them

who writes "comeover"
or "i miss u"
on a pice of paper
folds it up
places it in an envelope
seals it
writes two addresses
places a stamp
walks to the mailbox
puts it inside
and lifts the flag

all i can think is
"i miss u" and

over and over
in my head
"i miss u" and

and so i write it down
on a piece of paper
i write
"i miss u" and
i write "comeover" and
i write two names
one yours and one mine and then
i fold it up and
i want to place it in a special box i keep
in the top drawer of my dresser
only i don't have a 'special box'
so i just push it to the back of the dresser
where it is completely buried
under socks and underwear and
a package of condoms and
a tube of personal lubricant

i am embarrassed by this
i am embarrassed by everything i have thought and done today

tomorrow i will find this piece of paper
while getting dressed
early in the morning
and i will place it in the garbage bin