ETHICS

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO

- KILL A WHALE AND DRAG IT INTO THE ARCTIC

- CONSUME ITS ENTIRE BODY OVER THE COURSE OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

this is the most ethical decision i have ever made.

ramen

If I had to look at everything I've ever looked at or thought about while masturbating

I would kill myself

If I had to have dinner with everyone I've ever fucked or "slept with"

I would be fucked

I would not show up for that dinner

I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup

I mean I would rather eat ramen noodles out of a styrofoam cup

with the hollow green peas and the impossibly orange cubes of carrot for the rest of my life

I would rather do that than have dinner with just me and everyone I've ever fucked

charlie brown

you said you love Charlie Brown. I am Charlie Brown. love me.

text messages

i deleted all of your text messages

a month ago

or maybe longer

i'm not really sure

i'm trying to remember them

but i can't remember which are ones you sent me

and which are ones i'm making up in my head right now

and which are ones i made up in my head a long time ago

and am mistaking them for the former

or maybe the latter

or maybe even both

i feel like i've lost something important and

i think

"if they were handwritten letters i would have kept them all

in a special box

in the top drawer of my dresser

and i would pull them out right now

because i miss you

and you are not here"

i know this is impossible

i know that if your text messages were handwritten letters

you never would have sent them

you would never have even written them

who writes "comeover"

or "i miss u"

on a pice of paper

folds it up

places it in an envelope

seals it

writes two addresses

places a stamp

walks to the mailbox

puts it inside

and lifts the flag

all i can think is

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

over and over

in my head

"i miss u" and

"comeover"

and so i write it down

on a piece of paper

i write

"i miss u" and

i write "comeover" and

i write two names

one yours and one mine and then

i fold it up and

i want to place it in a special box i keep

in the top drawer of my dresser

only i don't have a 'special box'

so i just push it to the back of the dresser

where it is completely buried

under socks and underwear and

a package of condoms and

a tube of personal lubricant

i am embarrassed by this

i am embarrassed by everything i have thought and done today

tomorrow i will find this piece of paper

while getting dressed

early in the morning

and i will place it in the garbage bin

buffy

a very depressed and alone

sarah michelle gellar

taking xanax and drinking wine

makes low resolution cell phone videos

of herself talking 'mad shit'

about twilight and true blood

immediately feels incredibly stupid

after posting them to youtube

under an anonymous account

for which she has already forgotten the password

begins to cry uncontrollably

for a long period of time

takes another xanax

and hopes she never remembers anything

ever again

feels stupid about how depressed she feels

drinks another glass of wine

and falls asleep